must...learn...restraint...
y'know, i really have to stop permitting myself the luxury of thinking aloud around other people...if i can stop doing that, it'll dramatically simplify things. ie: i'll find myself having much much fewer conversations whose only purpose is to justify the final decision i eventually make. no more "but you said..." and "this is what you really think..." moments.
i tried dealing with a similar situation, where i was eagerly voicing my desire to partake in numerous events and then being forced to forego them for other reasons, by turning into 'non-committal guy', but that failed horribly. because i would express enthusiasm for a given event, and then not feel comfortable explaining the subsequent and unpredicted reasons why i could not attend, i was making others uncomfortable...
similarly, i've been seesawing back and forth regarding a formerly fun and recently frustrating leisure activity. i've actually been trying to convince myself to stay involved, while faced with the reality that it has not been pleasurable for me to do so in MONTHS. my only mistake here was staying in the middle regarding my opinions as expressed to others. had i clearly chosen the silent route, no one would be confused. similarly, had i decided to express a strict and unwavering position of dislike, no one would be confused. my mistake was having a rotating group of witnesses to the various stages of "y'know, maybe it'll be different this time" and "well, it's only a very minor committment which doesn't take up all that much time" with the realizations that "it WON'T be any different, because the last 2 times around haven't been..." and "should i be doing something i do not like and am not forced to do just BECAUSE it won't take up too much of my time..."
what surprised me was that it took me so long to realize that i've been involved in this thing for soooooo long and cannot remember the last time i looked forward to it. i have so many hours in a week that tax me, so why should i voluntarily add to that? it's a remarkable sense of freedom when one realizes that though he may not be able to be the master of his entire day, he CAN indeed choose his free time with total freedom based on what brings him pleasure. The obligations i fill are numerous and large. any and all moments that belong to me, however, are priceless and to be spent only where i choose.
this, of couse, might seem selfish. this is absolutely not the case. helping friends and doing things for other people brings me pleasure.
at least i've got a small chunk of time this afternoon to relax, because i was more than unpleasantly surprised. either that, or i'll feel like a complete moron with no sense of humour. i pray for the latter for two reasons: the first being that i've got no problem whatsoever with taking a self-depracating laugh-session at myself, and the second being that it means the person i though was a close friend really isn't. This is because if it's a joke, then it's on me to take it well, but if it's serious, then the person REALLY doesn't know me, doesn't care to know me, and only wants to believe what suits their perspective, which makes me sad.
*fingers crossed, and time for another smoke.*
i tried dealing with a similar situation, where i was eagerly voicing my desire to partake in numerous events and then being forced to forego them for other reasons, by turning into 'non-committal guy', but that failed horribly. because i would express enthusiasm for a given event, and then not feel comfortable explaining the subsequent and unpredicted reasons why i could not attend, i was making others uncomfortable...
similarly, i've been seesawing back and forth regarding a formerly fun and recently frustrating leisure activity. i've actually been trying to convince myself to stay involved, while faced with the reality that it has not been pleasurable for me to do so in MONTHS. my only mistake here was staying in the middle regarding my opinions as expressed to others. had i clearly chosen the silent route, no one would be confused. similarly, had i decided to express a strict and unwavering position of dislike, no one would be confused. my mistake was having a rotating group of witnesses to the various stages of "y'know, maybe it'll be different this time" and "well, it's only a very minor committment which doesn't take up all that much time" with the realizations that "it WON'T be any different, because the last 2 times around haven't been..." and "should i be doing something i do not like and am not forced to do just BECAUSE it won't take up too much of my time..."
what surprised me was that it took me so long to realize that i've been involved in this thing for soooooo long and cannot remember the last time i looked forward to it. i have so many hours in a week that tax me, so why should i voluntarily add to that? it's a remarkable sense of freedom when one realizes that though he may not be able to be the master of his entire day, he CAN indeed choose his free time with total freedom based on what brings him pleasure. The obligations i fill are numerous and large. any and all moments that belong to me, however, are priceless and to be spent only where i choose.
this, of couse, might seem selfish. this is absolutely not the case. helping friends and doing things for other people brings me pleasure.
at least i've got a small chunk of time this afternoon to relax, because i was more than unpleasantly surprised. either that, or i'll feel like a complete moron with no sense of humour. i pray for the latter for two reasons: the first being that i've got no problem whatsoever with taking a self-depracating laugh-session at myself, and the second being that it means the person i though was a close friend really isn't. This is because if it's a joke, then it's on me to take it well, but if it's serious, then the person REALLY doesn't know me, doesn't care to know me, and only wants to believe what suits their perspective, which makes me sad.
*fingers crossed, and time for another smoke.*
posted by carlo at 2:52 PM
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